Among Others by Jo Walton

[lightreads]

Among Others by Jo Walton

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


…Huh.

So this is the sequel to a book that doesn't exist. That book -- the prequel -- is a standard issue fantasy about Mor and her twin sister growing up in Wales and seeing faeries, and how they save the world. This book is about the aftermath -- about Mor sent away from home, and grieving, and having to live in the world of school and estranged relatives after all she's done and seen. Having to live disabled in the world, I should clarify. And it's about that -- a coming into the mundane world because that's where we all grow up, ultimately, even if like Mor we read instead of breathing and don't really understand other people.

I don't . . . it didn't . . . yeah, not quite. Should have loved it -- my buttons, there they are. And yet? There was a lot of trying too hard, a lot of all my female geeky readers who grew up in books will love this! if you know what I mean.

Still. Mor has an excellent voice (and Katherine Kellgren does a beautiful reading, really, I can't recommend the commercial audio highly enough.) And it is lovely and strange and unlike anything I can think of. And important, I think, in the ongoing conversation about fantasy literature and what parts of it belong to childhood and what to adulthood (see Lev Grossman, to name one). I just . . . I don't think it's quite as important a contribution to that conversation for me as a lot of people apparently found it to be.




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[lightreads]

It's amazing how invested I have gotten in the fertility stories of strangers on the internet, so the update is appreciated.

One embryo, man, that is really hard. Have you considered an egg donor? In the U.S., it was prohibitively expensive until 3 or 4 years ago when clinics started doing shared donor programs, where 2 or 3 recipients share the eggs from one donor cycle. That brought the cost way down into something that normal people could actually contemplate. Don't know if that is done where you are, or if it's even the direction you want -- if it were me, I bet that I would just throw up my hands at that point and adopt, but ymmv of course. I know someone who was an egg recipient. She had several failed IVF's -- her ovaries tested out okay, but it became clear that she was a "poor responder," which I think is medical speak for, "yeah, your ovaries aren't really working, but we couldn't tell before oops." So she went from cycles getting 1-2 embryos to her donor cycle where they implanted 2 (and ended up giving birth to 1) and froze 6. Just, very different math.

We are in a holding pattern. It turns out I have an ovulation disorder. Which, ha, well. I came into the clinic and said, "I'm clearly not ovulating," and they said "okay, testing, let's figure this out." And after all the testing, the verdict was, "you're not ovulating!" Uh . . . yeah. Thanks. But we're very optimistic -- all my numbers look great, and it looks like there's lots of eggs in there. We just have to kick my pituitary hard until they come out. So the plan is IUI with clomid to start, fingers crossed. But we have to wait six months (the sperm has to be quarantined, it's a thing the U.S. does because of HIV). If we were using an anon donor we could just go now, but for legal reasons, this is all waaaay easier if we don't. Though, of course, this way is much more expensive. So I figured well, if we're waiting six months anyway, I might as well see what I can do about my damn ovaries on my own. So I'm trying a lot of traditional chinese medicine treatments (herbs, mostly) and some minor dietary tweaks. Trying to find that balance between doing enough to be useful, but not getting totally crazy invested over it. I haven't ovulated yet, but just 5 weeks in my cycles are already less disrupted, and for the first time ever in the range of normal length. So I'm very hopeful that I'll get somewhere with this.

Combining fertility stuff with big life stuff is brutal. For a while we thought we'd start cycling just as we moved apartments and my girlfriend had radiation, and just the thought made me want to curl up and cry a little. I just wanted to be able to focus on it, relax, all of that. So good luck to you. Perhaps third time is the charm.

[cyphomandra]

My thoughts on egg donors. Ahah. How much time do you have?

My opinions have changed a bit since I started doing IVF and reading more generally around the topic. I originally thought being a non-genetic parent would be an insurmountable barrier for me, but that's not now isn’t the case; I do think a gestational parent has a contribution to make (uterine environment influencing gene expression, and everything from folic acid to alcohol, etc etc etc), and I think that the biological connection of pregnancy is important. Plus, as you say, success rates are higher, and prices are cheaper. So, as a potential parent, these are all pluses.

Where I run into problems is thinking about the potential child, and in particular their potential interest in their genetic parent(s). Where I live, all egg and sperm donors must be identifiable. I don’t know the name of the clinic sperm donor I’m using (I’ve read a profile) but it will be released to me at the birth of any child, and to that child at the age of 18 if not told earlier. I’m very happy with this system. Reluctance to be identified has, however, meant that egg donation here is largely between friends or relatives. Some people advertise for a donor (all apparently heterosexual couples in the ones I’ve seen, no singles/lesbians) and I’m aware of a more underground community, where I think private arrangements – possibly with reimbursement, which is not part of official arrangements – can be made; however, I haven’t been particularly impressed by online interactions elsewhere with people who’ve identified themselves as part of this group.

So, most people here who want egg donors and don’t know anyone suitable go overseas. And, overseas, in the world of international fertility treatment, donor anonymity is huge, and promoted as a feature rather than a bug; and given that one survey I read found that only a third of parents using egg donation told that child that they were even from a donated egg, it’s apparently something that a lot of people who are not me want. Depending on the country, there are also concerns about how the egg donors are treated (consent, health, financial pressures), and whether the screening programs for donors are as rigorous as those running them say, because it’s a big, big business, and no-one really polices it (there are places in the EU that routinely replace 4 or 5 embryos, for example, and there are clinics that “make-up” embryos from spare eggs and sperm they have lying around, and offer them at discount, and arrgh, I should really stop lurking in infertility forums).

I do want to give any future child of mine reliable information about their genetic parents. They may not want it or need it, but I don’t want to not have it, because it would be important for me and I think that would come through, consciously or not.

(The UK does egg sharing, where one woman doing IVF will get a discount if she shares her eggs with another (paying) one, and everyone’s identifiable; I’d do something like that, but the problem is that the countries with identification laws pretty much fail to overlap with the ones who do international treatment. I think identification may occur with some US and some South African clinics if requested, but I don’t know how firm that is and I haven’t actually wanted to start finding out specifics, because that would make it all too real. I have also only looked briefly at adoption, but there were only two adoptions in my area all of last year. Arrgh, redux.)

[lightreads]

A month later, after our heroine has moved, dealt with all the sperm things, etc.

Yes, I hear you on the potential child's interest in genetic parentage. That was one big rule for me on day one of this whole thing -- we will tell the truth early and often, even before the kid can really grasp it, so that when questions do come up, there won't be any surprises. You've probably seen some of the same literature I have about the children of anon donors feeling later in life that they are missing something crucial. To say nothing of the importance of the health information you can get when you know where you came from. My insistence on transparency is partly about that, as much as just wanting to, you know, be able to tell the truth.

Interestingly, in the U.S., you now pay a premium for identification of donors, at least in sperm. I happened to see that the other day -- vials from the identity-release program at the cryobank handling our sperm samples are like $100 more than the anon vials. It appears to be opt-in on the part of the donor, and a smaller population, but increasingly desired by some people for *gestures* all the reasons. Also a way for the sperm banks to make more money which, well, i have a lot of negative feelings about these particular guys right now so don't get me started.

Egg donation is, of course, increasingly common. And I realized just as I was writing this that one of the regular commenters on these reviews was an egg donor for a clinic in my city late last year. I bet she was anonymous, but now I want to ask.

Personally, I wouldn't choose an anon donor, but it's for a different flavor of reasons. I don't think I'd be particularly happy with an identity-release donor, either, though I'd do it if it was the only real choice. Let's call it control tendencies but I just . . . I want to know him as more than an essay, you know? (And the emphasis on the photos in the catalogs leaves me cold, for obvious reasons). I'd want to know how he treats animals when no one is looking, and what his mom is like, and what books he reads. Not in a creepy way just . . . I like knowing things. And it drives me absolutely insane that making that choice not to use a sperm bank donor at all comes with a huge financial premium and a really unbelievable amount of skepticism from everyone who thinks it's their business. Anyway. Rant. It hasn't come up, but I imagine I'd feel the same about an egg donor.

If you ever do decide to pursue egg donation, let me know. I can recommend a U.S. clinic that does international treatments and is very reputable, with extremely rigorous screening. They do the shared egg cycles where you can choose to divide between one or two other recipients, or take them all. I know they have a pretty big population of donors because they do so many cycles, but I think identity-release is on a case-by-case basis with the donor, so I'd imagine it's a much smaller selection who opt in to that, though. And if you eventually chose that route, at least you would not be under the gun timewise -- I know they regularly do egg donor cycles with women in their late forties to early fifties. Anyway. Just let me know if you ever come to a place where you want more information.

PS

[cyphomandra]

Also, that was all terribly "me me me". I'm glad to hear you're getting somewhere with regulating your cycles, and good luck with the Clomid (and moving, and radiotherapy for your girlfriend! Nothing ever happens in a nice soothing orderly fashion).